Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Why Did I Ever Like You?

"Why did I ever like you? What did I see? Whatever it was must have been some kind of illusion.  A magic trick on me."- Pink

Funny how time, maturity and actions will completely change how you view a person.  Things you once deemed acceptable are no longer allowed.  Things that you thought were attractive qualities you now abhor.  

In the past few months, I have been contacted by people who I thought were long gone.  Some were men from my past while others were former friends that I realized I could do better without.  With each communication, I sat there with the same thought: Why the hell are you contacting me?

People who know me well are fully aware that if you are of any real importance to me, I make an effort to contact you and I am often more than thrilled when you contact me.  There is a very small list of people who I just wonder why I even gave my number.  Well, I know why, but once I stopped using theirs, I kind of wish they had forgotten mine. 

For one person, it was pretty much a friend who valued me much less than I valued them.  I realized I didn't have time to catch people in lies or have the things that I love and value insulted just because it wasn't their thing.  There was also the thing about being there when they needed me but them not being there when I needed them.  I pretty much got sick of it and told them I didn't need it.

The others were pretty much guys.  And I've already explained a little bit about how I like to draw boundaries and can be quite withholding.  I'm working on that with new people.  But many of the men from my past know how I allowed them to treat me and therefore, I want to leave that back there.  Some were just downright arrogant.  Others were disrespectful.  (Hey, I found it easier to screw assholes and treat them like shit.  Screwing over nice guys is something I definitely try to avoid.)

So as you can see, I have a history of people who don't treat me the best.  Why that was, I don't know.  But I am seeing things so much more clearly now.  And wondering why I put myself through it.

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