Monday, August 1, 2011

Number One

"I'll be my number one. I'll put me first, like you don't do. No second place. No number two. There's only room for one. I'll be my number one."- Chrisette Michele

Since I went to the Chrisette Michele/Avant/Tank concert, I have been blasting her music frequently over the past weekend. 

As for this one, this is one of those songs that I work everyday to take to heart more and more.  See, I come from a long line of passive aggressive women and somehow I absorbed that ish.  I say "yes" a little too easily at times and I go with the flow a little too much.  Part of this comes from the fact that I hate confrontation.  Growing up, I too often witnessed when confrontation went violent.  There were moments when I dished out the violence.  But that story should come another day.  All I know is in the end, I figured it was easier to go along to get along.

However, when other people caught on to the fact, it started getting a little more difficult.  Because they knew I was quiet, they felt like they could say whatever the eff they wanted to me or about things I cared about.  They loved dealing with me because they knew I would take their ish.  Then they started wanted me to do what they wanted me to do or felt like they could control me.

Well, more and more I felt like knocking someone the eff out.  I haven't hit anybody since 2004 and sometimes, I still have a yearning to do so. In all honesty, if alcohol recovery is anything like my urge to hit people when it is at its worst, I seriously feel downright sorry for alcoholics.  That is some ish to deal with. 

Back to the point of the blog.  Yeah, so people got wind of this and felt like I was their puppet to an extent.  Well, guess what it took me until to my late 20s to learn the word "no."  If not that, I did learn how not to say the "yes".  And there have been a couple of "hell nos" thrown in for effect.  

I'm only going on vacations I want to go on. I'm only dating if I feel like it.  I'm only going out when I feel like it.  I'm going to do things that I'm interested in doing despite what others may think.  

It's just that life is so not about doing what others want you to do.  It's not about living up to others' expectations.  It's about doing what you want to do and feel comfortable with.  And hell, if what you're doing is not "right", it's about being able to live with it yourself.  At this stage, we all know what consequences and repercussions are.  It's about being your own Number One, believing in yourself and acting for yourself. 

Plus, being Number One is great. I should know because I am a dovely Ace. (Had to go there ONE time.)

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