Wrapped In Red

"So I'm at your door with nothing more than words I've never said. In all this white, you'll see me like you'll never see me again. Wrapped in red."- Kelly Clarkson

So apparently I haven't written on this thing since the end of July and the first year I promised to give you Christmas music in December. Kelly Clarkson has been regularly played in my home and during my work hours so I figured I'd go with that. 

So....it's Christmas and time for family and friends. Holiday parties abound. And... I'm still attracted to the same muthafucka I was attracted to months ago with no real progress. And if I have to be honest, a large part of this is because of me. (Though trust me, I'm still confused as to whether he is interested or not.) I am learning that I can be somewhat difficult when you would think it would be so easy to yes to the simplest things. 

Now you probably missed the big announcement, I admitted openly that I'M ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE. Why? Because I've come to the conclusion that this shit must be like AA and the first step is admitting. Once I get through the rest of the steps to be over this, I'll try to make sure to write a post to let you know.

After failed attempts to hang out and a multitude of mixed signals, I still am way too happy to see this dude when I bump into him. When will this shit stop? This cannot continue like this in 2014.

Take A Picture

"Sittin here thinkin' of my yesterdays. Things weren't this crazy. I wasn't so emotional. I didn't cry at commercials. Sometimes I feel like a mess."- Mya

Another birthday has come and gone and typically with each year, I have a goal in mind or say I'm going to work on something. There's a move or I join a sorority (Z Phi!) or attend grad school. Something major is almost always on the horizon for me. 

Well, this year, I am seriously working on me-emotional baggage and all. 

Why, all of a sudden, you may ask?

Over the past few months, I have become reacquainted with long dormant feelings and habits and let's just say, I don't necessarily like what I see. I don't know exactly what I want, but my actions have been indicating to me that I want more than I've wanted in the past. How do I know this? Because I know how to get what I've gotten in the past and I'm not doing it. (Yes, I'm talking about sex and relationships.) And I'm very much choosing not to do it. 

So while I may not be ready to go public with what I'm doing, I am so taking steps I haven't taken before in tackling this. Steps that are leaving me open to exposure and vulnerability like never before. And you know I hate that shit but it has to be done.

So unless something goes horrendously wrong, this blog should be a snapshot of where I am now because I sure as hell shouldn't be in this same place a year from now. Unless I'm just hopeless. 

Take Me As I Am

"Take me as I am. Or have nothing at all"- Mary J. Blige

Honestly, there is so much running through my mind right now that I went back and forth several times on what to blog about by month's end. Moving, lust and travel will do that to you.

But finally, it dawned on me during a conversation with my little cousin as I try to sift through my own personal feelings and issues (which by the time I finally blog about the latest round, it may require the length of a dissertation). 

We were at a birthday party for her niece and nephew when she asks me if she were to ever get married, would it be ok not to have alcohol at her wedding? Considering the fact that I'm still trying to nail down a happy hour for my birthday in two weeks, I may not have been the best person to come to for such advice, but I informed her that people do it all the time. However, since she has yet to choose a groom, I did tell her that there's a chance that her husband would prefer to have alcohol at a reception because of his lifestyle or culture. Her response: "Well that won't matter. We won't be having it."

And there it is. At 22 years old, she is already uncompromising towards a man she has yet to meet. Now there is a chance she could find someone with the same distaste for alcohol. But her response, mixed with several comments I've heard from women eight years her senior, just indicated to me how unyielding many of my single female friends are. Mind you, many of my married and booed up friends seem to not have the same hang-ups. Actually, quite a few times, I've pointed out where they are dealing with things they said they would never deal with. And their response is that you learn to deal with certain things if you love someone and want to be with them enough. 

So maybe it's time for us to stop focusing on what we won't do or deal with and focus on what we most certainly know we will do for a decent person who comes into our lives and offers those things we've been missing. Because right now, the other stance is leaving us with nothing at all. Just a thought.

Heart Attack

"Putting my defenses up. Cause I don't wanna fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack."- Demi Lovato

I should've known something wicked this way was coming when a Disney teen was singing a song that I felt to my core. 

Anyway, after writing a beautiful ode to my screw 'em and leave 'em mentality of old, apparently I realized I was more than a little attracted to a guy who runs around in the same circles. However, dude is in his mid-20s and we are both Greek. Two elements that could lead to a perfect recipe for a disaster. Yet, whenever we see each other at an event we end up off to ourselves just talking for a lengthy period of time. Conversation is always easy and breezy. There's flirting, buying of drinks, all that good stuff. There is a very drunken sexual proposition at one point and I decline. Blame it on the sensibility and maturity because I probably wouldn't be at this point where I am writing this blog. 

So now I want to hit it. So eventually my dumb ass inquires if he is actually attracted to me and the muthafucka says "Yes." But no, wait for it. "He's trying to figure out what category he wants to put me in." SCREECH!!!! Pump the brakes. There's more categories than "screwable" or "not screwable." Then we go for a walk and just talk about life and crap. After detailing the whole thing to my male friend who is currently on male advice probation for this action, I send him a text to which I still have not received a response. And that was last Tuesday. 

So in the span of a week and a half, I have dealt with all the feelings of vulnerability and rejection that I can stand. And this is quite a bit for a person who deems themselves "dating retarded". So at this point, I think it's best to place said guy in the friend category. And I think I have met my "putting myself out there" quota for 2013. The sad thing is it's so rare that I am ever attracted to a guy so I have no idea when I will do so again because I have not been feeling any of these emotions I've had over the last month. So there. 

But not to leave this post on a negative note, I've learned that apparently my friends, male and female, really believe I'm a great and "deserving woman" who cares about others immensely and with great intensity and should see it returned. Maybe the immensity and intensity is the problem. 

I Just Wanna (Expletive)

"Cuz I'm a little scared of commitment but tonight I'll commit to your body. Cuz I just wanna f**k and not fall in love. I'm over all the pain that love can bring. Tonight I want sex that don't mean a thing"- K. Michelle

Every now and then you are introduced to a song that takes you back to a certain point in your life or really speaks to where you are the moment you hear the song. Who knew such a ratchet woman could do both at the same time. 

Somewhere around circa mid-2000s, this song could've easily been my ringtone (you know you carefully selected your ringtones back then). Coming out of a relationship in 2002 where my self-esteem plummeted after years of cheating and disrespect, I closed off the emotional part of me for a good long minute. However, strangely, I became best friends with my sexuality. If I thought it and wanted to do it, I pretty much did it. Now I'm not saying it came completely without consequences, but there was just a moment where attraction and a warm body just did it for me.

However, like all good things, that came to an end for a myriad of reasons. Believe it or not, despite popular thought, men can and do get feelings and like seeing future and growth in situations. (Unless they're married, then they just want ass on the side if that's their thing). 

So here I am at 30. While I am way more open to commitment, it requires agreement of my head and my heart and that is pretty much like getting John Boehner and President Obama to agree on an issue. However, after a dry spell, my vajayjay has been speaking loud and clear and while love and commitment appears to be a two-party democracy, I know my vajayjay can be quite totalitarian and say eff the other two. So yeah, on my worst days lately, I have daydreams of just completely having my way with whoever comes to mind or come into view. Luckily for me, my brain does operate my legs so my vajayjay can scream all she wants, it doesn't mean I'm going to go there. Damn maturity and sensibility.

No Scrubs

"No, I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy who can't get no love from me."-TLC

So it appears that I, along with my friends near and far, have been wading along in the shallow pool for possible contenders as of late. And it hasn’t been faring well at all.

As for my story, it starts last year when I went to an event and was introduced to one of my frat brother’s friends. He seemed like a quiet, nice guy. Sometime in January, I asked a friend if she knew about his relationship status since they attended the same church. Come a week ago, she informs me that she not only inquired about his status, but told him who was wondering and got his number for me to call.

Fast forward to early in the work week and I make the call. Now, before I go into making the call, I know that he is a father of two children. But I was attracted enough to be open minded to that which would definitely be a first for me. But within a week of conversations and admittedly a Google search, here is what I have learned: His friends fit into the following three categories: “married, booed up, and smokers.” White liquor results in him fathering children. He lives with his mother because his situation with his “psycho” ex resulted in him losing his home, his car and his and his children’s belongings. He charges his “smoker” friends to use his urine for drug tests while seeking employment. And here’s the kicker: if you Google him, the first thing that is posted is his mug shot, the result of a disagreement with his baby mother (note: not the “psycho” ex). Did I mention that someone is calling him from strange numbers or private numbers? And he sent a “good morning” text with a half-naked pic of himself throwing up peace signs and he sure as hell don’t look like Tyrese or Channing Tatum in the body department. To sum it up, he is too much of a project for me, but I’m sure some ride-or-die chick will roll hard with him.

This is why I’m single. I’m initially attracted to and attractive to guys like this. However, the great thing about maturity is I know to walk away. Furthermore, in my 20s, I have to admit that my standards for dating weren’t the best but now I’m secure in the fact that I have standards. Back in the day, a “nice guy” would be given many chances. Now, not so much. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you view it, I know I can do well by myself (forget bad) because I’ve been going strong 10+ years.

Shut Up

"So for once, why don't you just shut up. Just shut the (beep) up."- Christina Aguilera

So for like the past week, I have just been in the weirdest irritable mood. Yes, it was my time of the month, but that is over and I am still in some kind of mood.

Nothing was done to set this off. It's just that coming at me sideways during this time could result in abnormal reactions like getting cussed out or just being ignored. So I honestly feel that people do not need to come at me right now because I just don't feel like being cordial or diplomatic or just plain nice.

Christina pretty much sums up exactly how I'm feeling right now in this song.

You Need A Man

"Girl you know you need a man."- Shanice

Happy 2013! I'm back. I could promise to do better with this thing, but we'll see.

Anyway, felt like I should start this year off with a 2013 consensus everyone has come to except for me: Tasha needs a man.

In November 2012, I celebrated 10 years of being completely single. Yep, that's right. No serious romantic relationships in 10 years. (Please do not get that confused with relations, I'm not a nun.)

It began with a holiday party that I attended with my sorors. One of my soror's boyfriends inquired as to the whereabouts of "my boo". (Mind you, the only person I use that term of endearment for is my grandmother because she is a sweetheart and I think it's cute. However, calling a grown man "boo" does not appeal to me.) I inform him that I currently do not have a significant other and he appears shocked. "You got all that and you ain't got no boo." So then he proceeds to inform me and the other single ladies at the party about some ballroom dancing lessons that take place one a month and how some good dudes will be there. That's indicator #1 that supposedly Tasha needs a man.

The next day, two very close friends of mine are enjoying an intoxicated afternoon together while painting. During this fun time, I call to see how they are doing only. Guess what? They want to see me "happy" in 2013. I hang around too many women and I need to go on more dates. All that translates to indicator #2 that Tasha needs a man.

But #3 is the kicker. Here, I will add that my maternal grandmother is my "boo." But I spent my New Year's Day with my dad, my aunt and my paternal grandmother. Let's see if I can recall how she put it. "Go to the gym, put on some makeup and get on it." This was right after calling me Miss Piggy. I heard her loud and clear and what's a pain-in-the-ass consensus without a trifecta, so once again it was concluded that Tasha needs a man.

So I call up one of the few friends I have from high school after hearing all this.  And here is a surprise for most people who've only known me as an adult but she had to remind me: "Ummm, Tasha, you never were boy crazy." THANK YOU!!! And she knew me during the time when all girls my age cared about was boys. I was strange and focused on my schoolwork and staying in my zone. A boy just happened to come along that I liked enough to drive my ass crazy later on down the line.

So while trying to focus on the job, family, friends, Zeta, travel and my own sanity, I just ask that everyone waits for a man to come along that I like enough that hopefully won't drive my ass crazy later on down the line this time. And during this time, I promise you that my Magic Mike DVD and my B.O.B. are all that I need until then.