"See I try to hide the fact that I am just a fragile individual, so I give off this facade that I'm so hard when in fact I'm far from unbreakable."-Leona Lewis
So right now, I am kind of in my feelings. Like every slight is irritating me a little bit more. People find me valuable but are not valuing me. That kind of thing. You know where people value your skill, but not your opinion.
Right now, "I'm fine" does not mean that I am actually ok. It means that I am eagerly watching the minutes pass by until I get to my next assignment or task and somewhere in between, I'll seek a momentary break watching Empire or some Shondaland show. I may pick up a book that I've been trying to read since Labor Day. That is where I am.
Oddly enough, according to at least one of my friends, I am acting accordingly, at least for me. This friend also referred to me as the "Kem songs of emotions" and a Pokerface. Though the issue is not that I typically have one emotion. That would be nice. No, I have like five in a matter of 20 seconds which displays itself in an effortless stoicism. For example, right now, I am feeling relief that I am purging this somewhere. while also in utter disbelief and fear that someone could actually read it along with the sense of trepidation that my supervisor may peer over my shoulder, and anticipation that this work day come to an end sooner rather than later. That's like four or five in one run-on sentence, but I digress.
So here I sit, hoping that I don't break anytime soon and hoping to determine when my next chance to escape will take place. But until then, I'm fine.
You are not alone. It's a strange season for a lot of people. I feel very overwhelmed, and while I'm worried about a rotating string of friends with their own very serious problems, I'm worn out. If you need to take a break, I suggest you do so.
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