Therapy

"Why would I spend the rest of this year unhappy? Why would I spend the rest of this year alone? When I can go to therapy? When I can go to therapy? When I can go to therapy two times a day?"- Therapy, Mary J. Blige

Well before a whole year goes by, I figured it was time to write something again. 

The last year has been an interesting one indeed. Filled with disconnecting, reconnecting, reconfigurations and the like, my plate has been full. And how have I been dealing with it?

Therapy!

Yep, that's right. Some people go to church. Some people go to the bottle. Some people practice endless avoidance (mind you, a great tactic that worked for me for several years).

I opt to pay someone to listen to my problems once a month and tell me stuff that I typically don't want to hear. And typically months later, come out better for it. 

For some reason before my 31st birthday, I decided it was time to truly work on me and my relationships with men. So I sought out contact information for a black therapist (yep, I felt my therapist needed to know the innerworkings of some of my struggle). 

We met. We clicked. I opened up. I cried. I have homework. I typically hate my homework. And I live to see another day and broaden my relationships with everyone.

Though what makes me feel better about the entire situation is that in speaking with her the first time, she told me that there are women 10 to 20 years older than me coming to her with the same problems. So it's good that I started where I did so I will hopefully have a different set of problems in my 40s and 50s.

Have I improved? Yes. Am I where I need to be? Hell no! Am I trying to get there? Most days. But at least I am working on it. 

Love

"Love. So many people use your name in vain. Love. Those who have faith in you sometimes go astray."- Musiq Soulchild

So yesterday, I posted the following status on my FB and my Twitter pages: “I <3 love.”

I so did not expect the responses I received. Let’s see. I was called a liar. Some people thought I was immersing myself in romantic comedies. Others actually inquired into my current relationship status (still single). Many of these reactions happened offline while others took to the same social media page where I posted the comment. Mind you, I didn’t post that I was in love (I’m not) or that I love somebody (does my grandma count?). There had to be some kind of reason that I all of a sudden became a fan of love, right?

Here’s a large part of the reason why I posted it: I got tired of seeing dozens of Instagram, FB and Twitter posts upset about the displays of affection shown over Valentine’s Day weekend. Mind you, many of the same people with this vitriol have experienced love way more recently than I have.

So I, with my more than 11 years of experience in singlehood, decided to change the tone with a little positive thinking and wording. Yes, I am a fan of love and maybe that was the first time I said it so boldly publicly. When love is right and expressed in a way that works for the two people in the relationship or situation, it’s a beautiful thing. So yes, I’m all for the flowers, engagements, homemade cards, surprise trips out of town that splash across my timeline. Why? Because while some of us have problems expressing our love or affection (and for some of us, even our like) of another human being, other people are able to do so courageously, openly and within the moment. And the best part is they know the person on the other end is willing to do the same thing? And that should give the rest of us some sense of hope and make us believe in endless possibilities, right?

Wrapped In Red

"So I'm at your door with nothing more than words I've never said. In all this white, you'll see me like you'll never see me again. Wrapped in red."- Kelly Clarkson

So apparently I haven't written on this thing since the end of July and the first year I promised to give you Christmas music in December. Kelly Clarkson has been regularly played in my home and during my work hours so I figured I'd go with that. 

So....it's Christmas and time for family and friends. Holiday parties abound. And... I'm still attracted to the same muthafucka I was attracted to months ago with no real progress. And if I have to be honest, a large part of this is because of me. (Though trust me, I'm still confused as to whether he is interested or not.) I am learning that I can be somewhat difficult when you would think it would be so easy to yes to the simplest things. 

Now you probably missed the big announcement, I admitted openly that I'M ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE. Why? Because I've come to the conclusion that this shit must be like AA and the first step is admitting. Once I get through the rest of the steps to be over this, I'll try to make sure to write a post to let you know.

After failed attempts to hang out and a multitude of mixed signals, I still am way too happy to see this dude when I bump into him. When will this shit stop? This cannot continue like this in 2014.

Take A Picture

"Sittin here thinkin' of my yesterdays. Things weren't this crazy. I wasn't so emotional. I didn't cry at commercials. Sometimes I feel like a mess."- Mya

Another birthday has come and gone and typically with each year, I have a goal in mind or say I'm going to work on something. There's a move or I join a sorority (Z Phi!) or attend grad school. Something major is almost always on the horizon for me. 

Well, this year, I am seriously working on me-emotional baggage and all. 

Why, all of a sudden, you may ask?

Over the past few months, I have become reacquainted with long dormant feelings and habits and let's just say, I don't necessarily like what I see. I don't know exactly what I want, but my actions have been indicating to me that I want more than I've wanted in the past. How do I know this? Because I know how to get what I've gotten in the past and I'm not doing it. (Yes, I'm talking about sex and relationships.) And I'm very much choosing not to do it. 

So while I may not be ready to go public with what I'm doing, I am so taking steps I haven't taken before in tackling this. Steps that are leaving me open to exposure and vulnerability like never before. And you know I hate that shit but it has to be done.

So unless something goes horrendously wrong, this blog should be a snapshot of where I am now because I sure as hell shouldn't be in this same place a year from now. Unless I'm just hopeless. 

Take Me As I Am

"Take me as I am. Or have nothing at all"- Mary J. Blige

Honestly, there is so much running through my mind right now that I went back and forth several times on what to blog about by month's end. Moving, lust and travel will do that to you.

But finally, it dawned on me during a conversation with my little cousin as I try to sift through my own personal feelings and issues (which by the time I finally blog about the latest round, it may require the length of a dissertation). 

We were at a birthday party for her niece and nephew when she asks me if she were to ever get married, would it be ok not to have alcohol at her wedding? Considering the fact that I'm still trying to nail down a happy hour for my birthday in two weeks, I may not have been the best person to come to for such advice, but I informed her that people do it all the time. However, since she has yet to choose a groom, I did tell her that there's a chance that her husband would prefer to have alcohol at a reception because of his lifestyle or culture. Her response: "Well that won't matter. We won't be having it."

And there it is. At 22 years old, she is already uncompromising towards a man she has yet to meet. Now there is a chance she could find someone with the same distaste for alcohol. But her response, mixed with several comments I've heard from women eight years her senior, just indicated to me how unyielding many of my single female friends are. Mind you, many of my married and booed up friends seem to not have the same hang-ups. Actually, quite a few times, I've pointed out where they are dealing with things they said they would never deal with. And their response is that you learn to deal with certain things if you love someone and want to be with them enough. 

So maybe it's time for us to stop focusing on what we won't do or deal with and focus on what we most certainly know we will do for a decent person who comes into our lives and offers those things we've been missing. Because right now, the other stance is leaving us with nothing at all. Just a thought.

Heart Attack

"Putting my defenses up. Cause I don't wanna fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I'd have a heart attack."- Demi Lovato

I should've known something wicked this way was coming when a Disney teen was singing a song that I felt to my core. 

Anyway, after writing a beautiful ode to my screw 'em and leave 'em mentality of old, apparently I realized I was more than a little attracted to a guy who runs around in the same circles. However, dude is in his mid-20s and we are both Greek. Two elements that could lead to a perfect recipe for a disaster. Yet, whenever we see each other at an event we end up off to ourselves just talking for a lengthy period of time. Conversation is always easy and breezy. There's flirting, buying of drinks, all that good stuff. There is a very drunken sexual proposition at one point and I decline. Blame it on the sensibility and maturity because I probably wouldn't be at this point where I am writing this blog. 

So now I want to hit it. So eventually my dumb ass inquires if he is actually attracted to me and the muthafucka says "Yes." But no, wait for it. "He's trying to figure out what category he wants to put me in." SCREECH!!!! Pump the brakes. There's more categories than "screwable" or "not screwable." Then we go for a walk and just talk about life and crap. After detailing the whole thing to my male friend who is currently on male advice probation for this action, I send him a text to which I still have not received a response. And that was last Tuesday. 

So in the span of a week and a half, I have dealt with all the feelings of vulnerability and rejection that I can stand. And this is quite a bit for a person who deems themselves "dating retarded". So at this point, I think it's best to place said guy in the friend category. And I think I have met my "putting myself out there" quota for 2013. The sad thing is it's so rare that I am ever attracted to a guy so I have no idea when I will do so again because I have not been feeling any of these emotions I've had over the last month. So there. 

But not to leave this post on a negative note, I've learned that apparently my friends, male and female, really believe I'm a great and "deserving woman" who cares about others immensely and with great intensity and should see it returned. Maybe the immensity and intensity is the problem. 

I Just Wanna (Expletive)

"Cuz I'm a little scared of commitment but tonight I'll commit to your body. Cuz I just wanna f**k and not fall in love. I'm over all the pain that love can bring. Tonight I want sex that don't mean a thing"- K. Michelle

Every now and then you are introduced to a song that takes you back to a certain point in your life or really speaks to where you are the moment you hear the song. Who knew such a ratchet woman could do both at the same time. 

Somewhere around circa mid-2000s, this song could've easily been my ringtone (you know you carefully selected your ringtones back then). Coming out of a relationship in 2002 where my self-esteem plummeted after years of cheating and disrespect, I closed off the emotional part of me for a good long minute. However, strangely, I became best friends with my sexuality. If I thought it and wanted to do it, I pretty much did it. Now I'm not saying it came completely without consequences, but there was just a moment where attraction and a warm body just did it for me.

However, like all good things, that came to an end for a myriad of reasons. Believe it or not, despite popular thought, men can and do get feelings and like seeing future and growth in situations. (Unless they're married, then they just want ass on the side if that's their thing). 

So here I am at 30. While I am way more open to commitment, it requires agreement of my head and my heart and that is pretty much like getting John Boehner and President Obama to agree on an issue. However, after a dry spell, my vajayjay has been speaking loud and clear and while love and commitment appears to be a two-party democracy, I know my vajayjay can be quite totalitarian and say eff the other two. So yeah, on my worst days lately, I have daydreams of just completely having my way with whoever comes to mind or come into view. Luckily for me, my brain does operate my legs so my vajayjay can scream all she wants, it doesn't mean I'm going to go there. Damn maturity and sensibility.