When I Wake Up

"Here I am thinking again. All lost in my brain. But I know I should get up and get out of it. I gotta keep moving. But here I am lost all up inside my brain"-Jill Scott

So I finally got a moment to breathe...and write. And you know what happens when you pause, right? Every thought just comes rushing to your brain. So here are a few.

1) The United States has a new president. People are allowing him to run their blood pressure up. I choose to live with the knowledge that I can subject myself to whatever information I choose. As far as impeachment goes, I fully embrace that it is much easier to be proactive than reactive.

2) I realized a while ago that all of the women in my family who stay married were the second wives of their husbands. That leads me to believe, that maybe, just maybe, I have within me the type of woman that won't be appreciated for years to come.

3) The older I get, the more I realize I am more feminine emotionally than I tend to like to let on. I need to be touched. I'm moody. I live to be appreciated.

4) The past year has been about establishing myself as a leader. I do buy into what everybody has been seeing. Yet, I can't see myself rising to a top leadership position here in Columbus because I am very lacking in the local support system that I need to thrive.

5) One of the saddest experiences is when you lose all hope for a situation despite all the insight to the contrary that you have face from the beginning. Hope can be a beautiful thing and it can be a bitch.

6) I'm unsure of my next major step.

That's all for now.

Looking In

"You look at me and see the girl. Who lives inside the golden world. But don't believe that's all there is to see."-Mariah Carey

One of my favorite shows to watch on television is Scandal and while everyone wants to be Olivia Pope with her style or Cyrus Beane with his cunning, I finally figured out my kindred spirit on the show.At the end of the day, I am most like, wait for it, Jake Ballard.A couple of episodes ago, we were allowed a bit of insight into how Jake Ballard came to be the man we know today. He grew up in a dysfunctional home, went into the military, rebelled, found a family that embraced him like never before and embraced them back fully. In return for that love, he pretty much performs any task requested dutifully out of a sense of obligation, even if it means being thrust into leadership roles he did not sign up for. And why does he get placed into these positions? Well because he is damn good at his job even if he does not desire the power as many of those who surround him do. However, he often has these sense of wanting to escape despite being able to rise to any occasion because sometimes it's just not for him. And last night, he admitted he yearned for the simple life with the woman that he loves. Essentially, if anybody on Scandal is dealing with a severe case of impostor system, it has to be Jake.

So if you have read this blog before, I have told you a little bit about growing up in a home with abuse. From there, I moved to Howard University where I got a degree, sense of myself and great friends. I moved around a bit and then became a member of my sorority. Within my organization, people keep thinking that I know what I'm doing and I can't seem to prove them wrong. Add to that, I keep getting placed in leadership positions when all I want is to be a good, well-informed Zeta. While I have pretty much mastered each one, there is very much a part of me that would appreciate a stint at general membership. One day that will happen.

But being the dutiful, loyal people that Jake and I both are, we just continue to push forward in our respective positions.

Supa

"I can't be Supa all the time."-Chrisette Michele

 Sometimes people label you in a way meant as a compliment, but it only results in you feeling some kind of way that rejects the label like a three-year old rejects that yucky bubblegum penicillin.

That's how I feel about the compliment "super". Why? Because I am already working through the perfectionist standards I place on myself. Others are not needed nor wanted.

Working hard and having discipline come second nature for me. Saying what I mean and meaning what I say also prove not to be challenge. I used to expect these things from others but now I just meet people where they are. However when I ask those same people to not place me on some kind of weird pedestal, they seem unable to do so.

The other problem with being labeled "super" is my perception of the attribute. When people think of you as super, they tend to also think of you as not needing help and it leaves you very little room for public failure that will not be ridiculed. I already put enough pressure on myself. Who needs that?

So there it is. That is why I don't like being called Super. At the end of the day, I know all the work and failings that go into making it apparently look effortless to others. That's not Super, that's just taking care of business.

I Just Wanna Be Your Girl

"I just wanna be your girl/Why won't you just let me be your girl?"-Chapter 8

This morning, I posted a meme that read: "Guys nowadays don't want girlfriends, just want a girl who acts like a girlfriend and is loyal to them while they mess with other females." Some of my FB followers had a moment with that one simple meme.

I can't tell you how many guys I know of that have women in their lives fulfilling many of the roles of a girlfriend without a title. Cooking for them everyday. Running their errands. Stroking their ego. Serving as their second in command. And yes, putting it down in the bedroom as well. And the girlfriend-acting women are lonely while the guy is content. And why wouldn't he be? All of his needs are being met while he manages to pacify the woman just enough.

I've often been told that I'm cold because I don't believe in cooking, cleaning, or handling the affairs of any man that I am not officially dating or in a relationship. I'm sorry but that's like me going to audition for the role of Olivia Pope's best black female friend on Scandal. Now we all know Liv does not have a best friend, she doesn't have black friends at the moment and Abby was her last female friend. Therefore the role does not exist. Also, I am not an actress so I wouldn't be up for it. There is no use in auditioning for a role that either does not exist, nor that you're a contender for. All that to say, this is what these women are doing when the role they are seeking is not for them.

Don't get me wrong, men can be sexy, charming and convincing. But many women deserve better. I recall a story Steve Harvey told about needing a new car while his old car sat on bricks in the driveway. His mother asked him how he expected to be blessed with a new car when his old car was taking up space where it would sit. So he got rid of the old car and guess what? A new car came into his life. Moral of the story: when you're playing the girlfriend role for someone unappreciative and undeserving, that man is taking the space of a man who will treat you the way you deserve. And it actually can go vice versa for the man in the situation as well.

So today's lesson is stop auditioning for the girlfriend role when a casting call has not been put out.

Misses Glass

"See I try to hide the fact that I am just a fragile individual, so I give off this facade that I'm so hard when in fact I'm far from unbreakable."-Leona Lewis

So right now, I am kind of in my feelings. Like every slight is irritating me a little bit more. People find me valuable but are not valuing me. That kind of thing. You know where people value your skill, but not your opinion. 

Right now, "I'm fine" does not mean that I am actually ok. It means that I am eagerly watching the minutes pass by until I get to my next assignment or task and somewhere in between, I'll seek a momentary break watching Empire or some Shondaland show. I may pick up a book that I've been trying to read since Labor Day. That is where I am.

Oddly enough, according to at least one of my friends, I am acting accordingly, at least for me. This friend also referred to me as the "Kem songs of emotions" and a Pokerface. Though the issue is not that I typically have one emotion. That would be nice. No, I have like five in a matter of 20 seconds which displays itself in an effortless stoicism. For example, right now, I am feeling relief that I am purging this somewhere. while also in utter disbelief and fear that someone could actually read it along with the sense of trepidation that my supervisor may peer over my shoulder, and anticipation that this work day come to an end sooner rather than later. That's like four or five in one run-on sentence, but I digress. 

So here I sit, hoping that I don't break anytime soon and hoping to determine when my next chance to escape will take place. But until then, I'm fine. 

A Beautiful Day

"Life is a journey. Not a destination. There are no mistakes. Only chances we've taken."-India.Arie

When it comes to life, it seems to me there are two different types of people. There are journey people and there are destination people. This came to me on a recent trip to the beautiful city that is Toronto (BTW, I will be moving there if either Donald Trump or Kanye West get elected).

Destination people walk around with a focus on a goal, a particular emphasis on the next move. Destination people also become unnerved when they are uncertain of that next move. Journey people, on the other hand, may move at a slower pace as they enjoy experiencing the world around them. While walking around with friends in Toronto, I realized that I am way more of a journey person than I initially thought while I tend to surround myself with destination people. As my friends maintained a fast pace keeping on schedule, I took the time to observe the beauty of the people and places surrounding me.

At one point, I believe I was a destination person and my life had a beautiful outline. Here's the script if you will: Graduate from prestigious HBCU. Work in newspapers and move up the ranks to editor. Make a difference with my work. Somewhere in there find someone who is compatible with me and settle down between the ages of 28 to 32 so that my future child will be 18 when I turn 50, meaning that I still could have some fun with my life. 

Well I got the job in newspapers and found myself unfulfilled, if not downright sick at times. So I went to library school, received a Master's degree and now work as a cataloging librarian. But I am 33, single with no future companion in sight and without children and unsure if I am even meant to be a mother. But the funny thing is I can't say that I am not content or that my life is unfulfilling. In several avenues of my life, I can point to where I am making a difference in myself, those close to me and my community. And I'm doing it in ways that I never imagined. And I'm not so focused on what's next. Yes, there is room for improvement in some areas of my life, but I'm not so worried about that. 

Right now, I am enjoying the journey and the randomness that is coming with it.

Sorry 2004

"This is my sorry for 2004."- Ruben Studdard

Another hiatus from the blog, but not a hiatus from living. 

This morning, I woke up with an epiphany of sorts that resulted in me determining that karma is totally a bitch.

Years ago, there was a guy who was infatuated with me way more than I was with him. We met while I was in high school, but seeing as though I had a boyfriend at the time, I didn't really notice him. He, on the other hand, appeared to have noticed me the second I stepped on campus as a freshman. Since he was close to a really good friend of mine, our paths crossed at some point and he never failed to express his interest in me regardless of mine or his relationship status. 

So, we get to a point where we have both grown and moved away from home. I lived in Mississippi and he lived in Atlanta. One weekend, we decided he would come visit me where I lived. We hung out, had fun, then one thing led to another and he ummmmm....performed a sex act on me. And while he was going hard, I could NOT get into it or him to save my life. He was neither a bad guy or a bad-looking guy, I just couldn't. Afterward, it was kind of awkward but eventually we got to a place where we just acted like that didn't happen. 

Fast forward to one of my recent debacles and let's just say the tables have turned and I was the one who was way more infatuated and he was the one who phoned it in. Unfortunately, I don't know if it's the fact that I am a woman or a Cancer or just to damn self-aware, I felt the lack of desire on his end, yet still kept going (I am such a Cancer when it comes to pleasing my partner).

In my most reflective moments, I questioned whether he found me attractive and the whole status of our friendships, but based on random text messages, I am assuming we will also safely reach "It Totally Didn't Happen"-ville. 

But oddly I am glad for this morning's revelation because it provided me with perspective from the other side while also allowing me to experience this side. So to that dude who probably doesn't even know that I have a blog, this is my sorry for 2004 or 2005 (Can't remember the year_. You weren't a bad dude. I just was not there with you.